I AM NOT COOL ANYMORE

I don’t know but was I ever cool! Maybe not, or maybe I was. I feel tired but I had to grow up early and every time I say this I feel like I am complaining. I feel like I am complaining about my situation. How my father left my mom with a 9 years old girl and how she tried to feel that void with me. How she became co-dependent on a child, how a 32 years old woman thought a 10 years old girl has to be her guardian. I wasn’t able to leave my mother and it’s hard to raise a 32 years old woman.

I had to become my own parents and I had to be mature so that I can carry my mother’s emotional burden. In a blink of an eye, I am now 28 years old. I worked hard, became a “ good girl”, who listens to everyone. Even though nobody wants to believe that I am a mature responsible person because I can’t cook. In this society maturity or nurturing nature of a woman gets decided by her cooking skill. Actually, I am scared of fire and that’s how I never learned how to cook. I was never “ cool” ever in my life. I am the most boring person that can exit but God knows why I decided to become an artist and a writer, a film editor. I see kids half my age doing amazing things. Kids are writing amazing complicated things, amazing video edits that I can’t even fathom.

People are so cool and I always think why am I so mediocre. But at the same time, my brain can’t wrap around the fact that what happens to mediocre people, who are not cool, who are simple. I feel odd because I like everything simple. From art to movies to stories to sculpture everything simple attracts me. All the aesthetics, this and that core, curated Pinterest boards give me anxiety. I know silly but the more magnificent or extravagant something is the more it bothers me, scares me, and makes me uncomfortable.

Did I really grow up too fast? I wanted to be boring, I still find boring very comfortable. I thrive in a boring life.